What?!?

How has it been a freakin month since I updated thing thing already?!? I need to add it to my favorites... I know I don't have all that much interesting to say, but I should have plenty more than that. Maybe something decent will actually come out.

On the baby boy side of things, I went to see my new doctor for the first time last week after the holiday. And I liked her a whole lot better. She actually seemed interested in what was going on and had helpful suggestions for me instead of just ramming a prescription down my throat. She suggested support groups -- I'm not sure if I want to seek anything out or not. On the one hand, it's always nice having people who know what it's like to go through this, but on the other hand, I'm getting really tired of people always trying to outdo me with their "I had it worse" or "I've done that too, me, me, me" crap. Not to be rude, but I would like to work on my own problems for a little while. Maybe it's selfish, I dunno. But it seems like everything with this entire pregnancy has turned into a "well this is what I did" or a "omg mine is doing this or that" and completely ignoring anything I say. I'm tired of being overlooked and invisible to everyone else.

Perhaps I seem testy today... I'm trying very hard to get back to where I was, positive and happy that this little deployment was just chugging along. But this week has been trying my patience. We're in our slow season at work, so I'm afraid I'll either die of boredom or get fired. I've got lots of unresolved issues with lots of people apparently. I don't have the tolerance level that I did before for all of the bullshit. My MIL stepped WAY over the line yesterday, and because of that, I have to completely rethink how I'm going to approach this whole thing. I'm going to be hard pressed to want to bring my son around a person who thinks I'm going to be a terrible mother. Much more worse things were said to me, but suffice it to say, I have the right to be upset and will not be subjecting myself to that anymore.

My first baby shower went pretty well. I'm tired of people tilting their head and saying "awwwwww" when all I do is answer their questions. Is Joel going to be home for the birth? No. That's my answer. Simple, direct. To the point. No crying, no whining, no nothing. I don't need sympathy from anyone, all I need is a little understanding. Telling me how unfair it is that he won't be able to be there and launching into a litany about our current government situation isn't going to do either of us any good. So save it.

We're not far from the 4 month mark, and it's really starting to take it's toll. I know it's temporary, and I know I'll bounce back. But days like this are a bitch. These are the times when it's hard to keep the uncertainty at bay. And there's nothing I can do about it. Who do you talk to about stuff like this? People who know me are tired of hearing about it, and I'm tired of talking about it - but sitting and stewing is really not working well either. All I can do is hope when I wake up tomorrow, it'll be better.

I just wish I could hear his voice...

Father's Day

Today was another good day.

I didn't do anything special for Father's Day, I gave my mom a big hug and thanked her for everything that she has done for me...

But I woke up this morning determined to get something accomplished today, so I got up and ate breakfast and hung out for a little bit before I got started. I went upstairs and made a big mess before I made anything better. First, I sorted all of Tristan's clothes by size, and boxed up all of his stuff from 6-12 months, because I'll be back in NC by the time he's that size, so there's no reason to keep it out now. Then I cleaned up my room, pulled my sheets off and did a few loads of laundry. While I waited for my laundry to finish up, my mom and I figured out what to do with my furniture to create the most usable space for when the baby gets here.

We went to Babies R Us and got his Pack 'N Play (which will be his bed until we get back down south)! And we found a really cute outfit that we couldn't pass up. Then we also ran to Bed Bath & Beyond to get those bed raiser things, so that I can use my under-the-bed storage. We managed to get the packnplay put together fine (you shouldn't be allowed to have a kid until you know how to put one together, good lord they keep getting more complicated!), and we put all the attachments together, so right now it's also got a newborn sleeper and a changing table on it for him. I took all of his smallest clothes and put them in my under-the-bed storage container until it gets closer for him to arrive. I finally boxed up Joel's clothes that I have with me, and am getting my pre-pregnancy clothes put away that I won't be able to use for a while.

So furniture is all pushed around, bed is ready for him (with 4 months to spare, haha!), and I managed to get through about a third of all of our paperwork and get a bunch of useless stuff that my husband had been carrying around with him thrown away! So overall it's been a very productive day. Right now I'm just waiting for my last load of laundry to dry and my iPod to finish charging (getting it ready for my upcoming LONG car ride) and then I'm going to go and read another book for a while.

My mom has gotten alot of Tristan's quilt done, and it's so cool! She has found so many different patriotic and USMC fabrics that it's looking really good. Hopefully soon I can get started on mine. And I need to finish his other bib.

I thought about Joel alot today - I imagine Father's Day will be much more fun for him next year, I'll make sure it is!

Til I remember to write again... <3 mwah!

Weekend again

Oh my... I feel like such a lucky girl this week. My husband got to call me Monday, Wednesday, and I got a 40 minute phone call this morning at 1 AM! He always apologizes to me for waking me up -- pssshhhhhhhhh I don't care, wake me up!!! I get up every day hoping to hear his voice again. It's so nice getting to have a little bit of time to actually have a conversation with him. There's so much going on and so much that I want to tell him. It's hard when I can't because my stupid pregnant brain can hardly retain anything anymore!

It's so great to talk and laugh with him. When he calls and jokes with me, I giggle... Like actually giggle!! I don't really do that much. Sure, I laugh. But it's not the same thing.

I'm very happy this week - Tricare approved my change of Dr. so now I get to go see a new one who I will hopefully like better. And it also means that I get to have our son at the hospital that I wanted to!!!

A few nights ago, my mom and I had dinner with one of her friends, whose brother has been in the Navy for 25 years. He has a wife and three sons, and they have a great marriage. She was so reassuring and had such positive things to me, it was just the lift I needed! Not to sound snobby, because it's just fact, but most people just don't understand. If you haven't been through this, it's impossible to relate to. But it was such a boost, she kept telling me she's so proud of how strong I am and how grounded I am, and how it's not possible to fake how in love with him I am, and she can't believe the little girl she knew grew up to be me and it's just amazing. Then she took down Joel's address and is sending him a big care package. I've never appreciated a hug so much in my life. It was fun talking ships with her, she's been on the Bataan before.

I still hate this open timeline. There is a huge gap of time in which this deployment would end. And somewhere in there, our son is coming. Every once in a while I have a panic moment like "OMG he's not here, I can't do this alone!" But then I remember how proud he is of me and of us and how happy he'll be to hold his son for the first time. Then I know I can do it. I can't believe how far we've made it already. Just about 6 more months, and I'll be bringing the baby back down to North Carolina!

This will be a short week at work (yay!), next weekend is my baby shower in Virginia, so we'll be driving down on Thursday and back on Sunday. That will make for a long weekend. But hopefully it's a good time.

My belly is sticking out now. It's weird. I feel heavy and awkward, and I'm going to probably get quite a bit bigger. And I'm horrified to look down at night and find that my ankles are DOUBLE their normal size! But besides that, and some heartburn, the baby really hasn't given me any trouble so for that I'm very thankful.

I can't wait for our baby boy to be here, and then for his daddy to come home. All I can do is cross my fingers that Tristan stays in as long as he's supposed to and hope this deployment ends ASAP. <3

It's hard. This is not what I imagined my life would be like at all. But I love it, I wouldn't wish for it any other way!! I love my husband to the moon and back, and we love our little boy so much already. <3

I wish I could remember to do this more often... But I guess it's kind of a good thing that I'm keeping myself too busy to think about it.

Joel LOVED his Father's Day box. I hadn't gotten to talk to him for almost three weeks, so I didn't know if he's gotten it or not, but he was finally able to call me yesterday morning really early and he said he got it - he said that he knows that I've sent him alot of packages since we've been together, but this one was the best. I hope he liked all of the ultrasounds and pictures I had for him of Tristan, I didn't really get a chance to ask because we had to keep it quick, his phone card ran out. He said he would try to call me again soon - I hope so, it gets really hard going multiple weeks without hearing anything from him. I know it's not because he doesn't want to talk - but there's always so much I want to tell him and ask him about. I want to tell him about what's going on with the baby (11 oz this week and almost 7 inches long!) and try to get things figured out.

I've hit a snag with my plan to go back home to NC. But I think I'll have to just move forward with my plans and hope that everything works out, because the appropriate decisions haven't been made yet.

He said he put a package in the mail for me the other day with the gifts that he bought for me in Italy, and a letter, and (finally, yay) my Power of Attorney so I can get our housing lined up. And now I'll be able to fully handle any emergencies that might come up (knock on wood nothing bad happens).

I sent him out another care package yesterday, bought some more stuff for the baby (this child, I swear, has so many clothes) and ordered my custom diaper bag! I think the reason I buy him so many clothes, besides the fact that I can get them for so cheap right now, is that I don't really have that "nesting" ability my other friends have. They're all busy putting together nurseries, and I just can't really do that until well after he's born. So I'm trying to take care of the other things the best that I can.

Bright side, we're almost another month down - the crappy part is I had to adjust my countdown because I have a feeling they'll be gone longer than we originally thought (which was already much longer than normal, but that happens). I've got lots of stuff planned to keep me busy this summer and little things to look forward to instead of just focusing on the end. I would go crazy.

One super cool thing that has happened - my boss told me that they have decided that they would like to keep me on after I have the baby and move. So I'll still have a job, I'll just have to have him and then move and get settled, and I can start working from home! I'm really excited about that because I was worried about being out of work, but I didn't want to put him in daycare when he was so young, especially since the wait lists are ridiculously long. So that's ONE less thing I have to worry about.

Alot of us girls from this MEU have gotten really close - I'm looking forward to going back to NC and being closer so I can meet them and have some more friends there. Most of them will be at Camp Lejeune, but Jacksonville isn't that far.

I'm not doing too bad today - feeling alright. I'm sore and tired, still haven't slept through the night. But I'm not depressed or anything. Will be 21 weeks in a couple of days and I'm looking forward to just getting closer and being done with all of this.

Must find breakfast now. I can't eat enough anymore =/

It's a BOYYY!!!

Yayyy!!!

I went to the Doctor last week and they wouldn't do an ultrasound on me for my second trimester yet. I had told my husband that I had an appointment that morning and that I might be able to find out, but I didn't know for sure. He was SO excited that he stayed up late so that he could call me and ask me what I found out. Well I couldn't bear to make him wait another four weeks with him being as excited as he was. So, one of my friends (who is due 5 days after me), was going to a different place in Columbus where you can pay $65 and they'll do a gender determination anytime after 14 weeks. Hers was last Thursday (5/12) and I couldn't steal her thunder for the day, so I scheduled mine for Friday. She found out she's having a girl, and we're having a boy!! (They're going to be betrothed)

So I was worried that Joel wouldn't be able to call me for a long time and that I would have to keep it a secret for a while... But nope! My husband has amazing timing and he called me less than 10 minutes after I got out of my appointment!! He had me about convinced that we were going to have a girl. So he FINALLY stopped talking so I could tell him -- and I said "We're having a boy!!!" and he was just silent. It was the happiest quiet ever! And then, in a voice I've never heard, he said "Really? We're having a boy? We're having a son?!? Oh my god" - He's so excited. And I'm so happy.

This is still hard, and it's still taking forever. But today I'm 17 weeks. Barely anything of a belly popping out, still. Working on a Father's Day box to send to him this weekend. Almost halfway through the pregnancy. And by the time our son gets here, it will be almost time for my husband to come back!!!

I can't wait for Tristan to get here so I can meet him and love on him, and for my husband to come home so we can be a family!!! <3

Another month...

First month down.

Looking back, I can't believe it. I'm just doing what I said I would, going through the motions. My primary objective in doing anything is passing the time. This is my fifth week back at work. It's gone by, that's all. I'm not happy, I'm not sad. I've been running myself ragged trying to keep myself busy so that I can't get sad. It's working for the most part. After all, it's May now.

I had my first doctor appointment a couple of weeks ago. When the doctor did my ultrasound, the baby measured bigger than they thought, so they ended up moving up my due date almost two weeks. The moment I saw our baby, I couldn't hold back my tears anymore. It was so amazing to see, but hurt so bad to have to experience it without my husband. I had another ultrasound 8 days later, and the baby looked like he/she had doubled in size! Joel liked the pictures when I sent them to him, I just wish he was here.

I've finished working on the baby's first bib, and have gone through about 6 books. In a few weeks, once we know the sex of the baby, I'll be able to start on the cammie quilt, another quilt mom and I are making together, I'll finish the second bib and finally be able to start planning the nursery. Of course nothing can be done about the nursery until we get ourselves back down to North Carolina and settled again.

Being pregnant is kind of weird. There are days where I feel like I'm too old or that everyone else who is having babies is way younger than me. Then other days I feel like a kid who's not ready for this. Obviously I'm not a kid, I'm almost 25 for god sake..

Tomorrow I'll be 15 weeks. And I'm not showing. I just feel pudgy. All the other girls who I've seen who are pregnant were definitely showing by now. And I know that I can't compare myself to other people, but I was sort of hoping that I would be showing because that would make it more real to me. Of course, as soon as I get big, I'll take it back and wish I was normal again. I mean, I wasn't all that big to begin with, so I thought I would pop out pretty quick. It just makes me worried that maybe the baby isn't growing enough.

My anxiety is getting out of hand again, and I have no idea what to do about it anymore. I don't want to talk to anybody, because I can't control my emotions if I do. I've still got my mask very carefully in place and I can't afford to lose this little bit of control that I have. Last year, I would have smoked a cigarette and just moved on, but obviously I can't do that now - and I can't seem to move on. I'm so worried about so many different things, and there's nothing that I can do about any of it. I feel like I'm standing in the middle of a black hole and there's no one to pull me out. I know I'm not technically alone, but in some respects, I really am.

It's been nice getting e-mails from Joel pretty often - unfortunately that is stopping already. I got a call from him this morning and he told me he basically won't be able to e-mail me anymore because of restrictions. So there goes that small bit of comfort out the window. But luckily before that happened, we were able to agree on a boy name, and a girl name. I'm happy about that.

I hope this feeling goes away soon. I want so badly to be happy and excited, but time seems to be standing still...

Hurry up and wait...

It's done.

The goodbye has come and gone. It was awful.

He's been gone for almost a week already and for one second it feels like it's gone by fast and then another minute I feel like it's been forever since I've seen him, heard him, or felt him.

Immediately after I packed up my entire home, I had to take my hero, my life, my husband to his squadron. And that's it. I cried. I tried so hard not to, but I started crying. The last few weeks had been so hard on both of us with the stress, and the hormones, and the worrying about each other and the baby. I cried almost every day. But it was nothing compared to this. I had no choice but to get in my car and drive away, with hardly a last glimpse as I lost sight of him.

It took me almost half an hour to get off base because I was crying so hard that I couldn't see anything. And I kept crying, but I kept driving. Because I had my first test of the deployment immediately after I left him. I had to face a 10 hour drive back to Ohio. By myself. With nothing but the thoughts of what I was leaving behind to ride along with me. Every mile cut like a knife. But I knew I had to do it. It's really not about me anymore. Because quite honestly, had it been just me, I would have stayed down there and kept things going until he got back. I would have been miserable and alone, but I would have managed. But it's about the baby now. And I know that he will worry less knowing that I am with family who can help take care of the baby and I while he protects us all.

I got a phone call from him Tuesday afternoon, right before the ship left port. He wanted to make sure I was alright and hear me again, and ask me about how the baby is doing. Then that was it. We had his cell phone shut off yesterday. Every noise my phone makes makes me jump and immediately check it. I can't help it. And it will continue. I did get an e-mail from him this morning. It made me cry. Alot. I was surprised that I managed two days in a row without crying, but knew it couldn't last long.

Ever since I've gotten home, I've made myself numb. I'm not really talking to anybody about what I'm feeling. If I do, I won't be able to hold it all back. And I've got things very carefully under control right now. Plus everyone asks me about the baby all the time, that's the primary topic of conversation, so I just kind of follow along with it, sometimes not hearing anything. I'm religiously counting days, hours, anything I can to make the time seem less. I'm back to doing what I did last deployment, I light a candle every night for him before I go to bed so his light can shine next to me while I sleep and illuminate his picture.

I'm hoping it'll get better when I get into my routine. I'll start back at my old job on Monday. That'll keep me busy 5 days a week. I just feel awful because some of my friends are so happy that I'm back in Ohio, and I'm just not. It's fine, it's what had to be done. Of course I'm glad to see them, but this is not where I want to be.

Then a week from Monday on April 11, I have my first obstetrician appointment to check on the baby. I'm hoping for an ultrasound so that I can get pictures to send to Joel, I know he wants to see.

I've written him 3 letters already. I bought 90 stamps today, and have ordered 4 military kits from the post office. I think I'm in pretty good shape for mailing stuff for a while. All I can do is write letters and wait for him to write or e-mail me. I feel like I've completely lost myself in him, and now that he's gone, I'm just... empty.

Duh I can do this. Done it before. I imagine it will go faster this time because of the pregnancy and all of the preparations for that. But it doesn't make it suck any less. And it doesn't make the hurt and the emptiness stop.... I'll be optimistic again someday, promise.