It's done.
The goodbye has come and gone. It was awful.
He's been gone for almost a week already and for one second it feels like it's gone by fast and then another minute I feel like it's been forever since I've seen him, heard him, or felt him.
Immediately after I packed up my entire home, I had to take my hero, my life, my husband to his squadron. And that's it. I cried. I tried so hard not to, but I started crying. The last few weeks had been so hard on both of us with the stress, and the hormones, and the worrying about each other and the baby. I cried almost every day. But it was nothing compared to this. I had no choice but to get in my car and drive away, with hardly a last glimpse as I lost sight of him.
It took me almost half an hour to get off base because I was crying so hard that I couldn't see anything. And I kept crying, but I kept driving. Because I had my first test of the deployment immediately after I left him. I had to face a 10 hour drive back to Ohio. By myself. With nothing but the thoughts of what I was leaving behind to ride along with me. Every mile cut like a knife. But I knew I had to do it. It's really not about me anymore. Because quite honestly, had it been just me, I would have stayed down there and kept things going until he got back. I would have been miserable and alone, but I would have managed. But it's about the baby now. And I know that he will worry less knowing that I am with family who can help take care of the baby and I while he protects us all.
I got a phone call from him Tuesday afternoon, right before the ship left port. He wanted to make sure I was alright and hear me again, and ask me about how the baby is doing. Then that was it. We had his cell phone shut off yesterday. Every noise my phone makes makes me jump and immediately check it. I can't help it. And it will continue. I did get an e-mail from him this morning. It made me cry. Alot. I was surprised that I managed two days in a row without crying, but knew it couldn't last long.
Ever since I've gotten home, I've made myself numb. I'm not really talking to anybody about what I'm feeling. If I do, I won't be able to hold it all back. And I've got things very carefully under control right now. Plus everyone asks me about the baby all the time, that's the primary topic of conversation, so I just kind of follow along with it, sometimes not hearing anything. I'm religiously counting days, hours, anything I can to make the time seem less. I'm back to doing what I did last deployment, I light a candle every night for him before I go to bed so his light can shine next to me while I sleep and illuminate his picture.
I'm hoping it'll get better when I get into my routine. I'll start back at my old job on Monday. That'll keep me busy 5 days a week. I just feel awful because some of my friends are so happy that I'm back in Ohio, and I'm just not. It's fine, it's what had to be done. Of course I'm glad to see them, but this is not where I want to be.
Then a week from Monday on April 11, I have my first obstetrician appointment to check on the baby. I'm hoping for an ultrasound so that I can get pictures to send to Joel, I know he wants to see.
I've written him 3 letters already. I bought 90 stamps today, and have ordered 4 military kits from the post office. I think I'm in pretty good shape for mailing stuff for a while. All I can do is write letters and wait for him to write or e-mail me. I feel like I've completely lost myself in him, and now that he's gone, I'm just... empty.
Duh I can do this. Done it before. I imagine it will go faster this time because of the pregnancy and all of the preparations for that. But it doesn't make it suck any less. And it doesn't make the hurt and the emptiness stop.... I'll be optimistic again someday, promise.
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