Same old

Right now I'm spending any moments where I have the energy getting the house packed up. Joel was able to get off work on time (they said early, but he was supposed to get out at 1500 anyways, so it doesn't count) on Tuesday, so we were able to get our storage unit lined up and get everything squared away with the bank account. We have the moving truck scheduled for this Saturday, and one of the other guys in his squadron has a unit at the same place, so we're just going to have the truck all day and then he'll help us and we'll help him. And when I say "we" will, I mean Joel... because I'm not supposed to be lifting.

As far as next week, we have two possibilities up in the air right now. We're pretty sure that he's getting leave. So he can either drive up to Ohio with me and spend a couple of days and fly back down here, or I'll just stay here until I absolutely have to leave. Right now we're leaning toward just staying here. That way he can actually relax a little bit before he has to go. And we're talking about maybe having a photo session with a photographer to get some pictures before he goes. The only thing I think he's worried about is me driving home by myself. But I've done it before, and being pregnant doesn't make me disabled. It just makes me feel ill alot.

I'm just trying to figure out where we're going to sleep if all the furniture is going in storage this weekend. But we'll either get an air mattress, or just keep the bed set up and put that in later.

Decisions, decisions... SO much to do!

I want to go for my first prenatal visit, but I have a feeling it will be a little bit yet before I can. Since I'm going home and will be there for more than 30 days, Tricare suggests that I get a new PCM to be in charge of me while I'm there. So I'll have to change my info when I get home, find a new PCM (hopefully they'll let me have my old one that's real close by), then go see her and get a referral to a specialist - THEN I should be able to schedule a prenatal visit.

I don't want to fail at this, and I'm terrified that something will happen. All I want to do is grow him a healthy, beautiful baby for him to come home to. He's so happy and excited about it, I'm not sure I could bear it if something happened.

... All I can do is my best...

Sigh

Well one of the lovely beginning parts of early pregnancy is fatigue. Got that covered big time. We have so much stuff to do, but I am absolutely exhausted. So I take advantage of any small bursts of energy I happen to come across.

I understand that the Marine Corps has to change plans and make adjustments alot, but sometimes I wish they would just not tell him anything so that I can plan knowing nothing instead of them telling him something different every day. First he wasn't going to get leave, then he was going to get a few days, now it's on hold again. He was planning on driving home with me so that he could leave his truck, but if he doesn't go, I'm hoping that he can find someone here who can keep an eye on it. I mean, I know I'm amazing, but I can't drive two vehicles at once. I'm not that good. Although it would be nice to have the truck up there with me if I ever needed it or just missed him real bad and wanted to drive it.

It's also not helping that ever since we found out about this surprise early deployment date, he has been working nonstop. He's doing 12 hours on and 12 off right now, so he has time to come home, eat dinner - and then he has to go to sleep. So not only do we not really have time to get anything done, but I would really like to get a little time with him before I have to let him go again.

My good news today was that since my taxes got rejected last year due to issues from my first marriage, I was supposed to owe an additional $500 in taxes every year for the next 15. But I got all of my paperwork put through, and now I don't have to pay it! Finally, some good news, and a load off of my mind.

My mom and my best friend are excited that I'm coming home, and I'm having fun talking about baby stuff with them. Joel and I have already picked out a name if we have a little boy, but I'm not telling yet. :)

I started prenatal vitamins this week and am trying to make good decisions about eating and stuff. I'm very worried about miscarrying and I hear people talk about it happening alot and it scares me.

Oh well. As always, one day at a time.

Oh, so THAT'S why...

I believe last week I was whining about feeling useless and ugly and blah blah blah.

Well this past weekend, my husband and I attempted to out-news each other. I won.

He came home on Friday after being on the range and told me his deployment date has been moved up from late July to early April because of all of this ridiculous business in Libya apparently. Not only that, it has been extended from 6 months to 10. Not a big fan of that news. Especially since mine came shortly after on Saturday morning.

We're having a baby!!!

Now let's get one thing straight here. I am thrilled that my husband and I will be having a beautiful baby and starting our family. However, I don't think I've ever been so torn about anything in my entire life. The idea of him missing my entire pregnancy, the birth, and probably the first couple of months of the baby's life makes me want to SCREAM and throw things. But at the same time, I guess if I really sit and think about it, I would rather have him be around for the baby's first year than through the pregnancy. Right now I'm just feeling selfish and scared since this is my first time doing any of this.

I'm terrified that something will happen to him and will worry about him and about the baby every single day.

Circumstances being what they are now, him and I have decided that it would be best for me to go home while he's gone. That way I can be with friends and family during the pregnancy and so I won't be alone at the birth. I'm trying so hard to keep myself from being stressed out, but the idea of saying goodbye again to him so soon and knowing what's coming up makes me want to cry. I don't even know if I'll be able to really even hear from him while he's gone.

And I'm trying so hard to keep him from feeling any kind of guilt or any kind of hurt, but I know he feels terrible for leaving. Hopefully we'll be able to get on the Red Cross list and there's a teeny chance he might make it home for the birth. But I'm not holding my breath.

So now we have to work on packing up our house, getting him ready, getting our paperwork done, and getting me home. And I don't want to go, I like it here. But I have no friends and I'll go crazy here by myself scared and pregnant.

I know I have to be strong. For him. For me. And now for the other little life we're suddenly responsible for. I'm already so scared and worried for this baby, I just want him or her to be okay and be ready to meet daddy when he gets home. I can do this. I can. But I can't promise I won't be whiny and angry for part of this.

Over it...

I am SO over my attitude lately, but I just can't seem to pull myself out of this horrible slump that I'm in. And I can't seem to catch a break.

I went to get my taxes done today and found out not only do I NOT get money back this year, I owe, AND I had to pay them $150 to tell me that!!! Last year I had someone else do it, and I think it cost me like fifty bucks, and I got almost $900 back. I cannot catch a break. I'm not working, I'm trying to hold on to every penny I have and am failing miserably. I'm scrambling around, applying to every place I can think of so that I can get a paycheck again, and have heard back from NO ONE.

I've had a headache/stomachache for 5 days now. And no amount of aspirin is helping. So I'm tired, I'm cranky, I'm in pain, and I'm emotional. Fuck my husband's life. I have to be absolutely unbearable to be around right now. I know I am, and I can't do anything about it. I'm trying to relax, but at the same time I'm so worried about everything I can't.

My husband is at the range this whole week, before he leaves to go on workups again. I don't know what I'm going to do when he's gone. Not just for the workups, but on his deployment. I'm not doing as well down here as we both hoped that I would. I've still got some time to settle in and make friends and stuff. But I'm just not feeling very optimistic about it right now.

I don't know what to do. I'm just completely over myself and all of these issues I'm having. I just want to be happy and to make my husband happy and I don't know how to do either.

I'm so lost...