Oh, so THAT'S why...

I believe last week I was whining about feeling useless and ugly and blah blah blah.

Well this past weekend, my husband and I attempted to out-news each other. I won.

He came home on Friday after being on the range and told me his deployment date has been moved up from late July to early April because of all of this ridiculous business in Libya apparently. Not only that, it has been extended from 6 months to 10. Not a big fan of that news. Especially since mine came shortly after on Saturday morning.

We're having a baby!!!

Now let's get one thing straight here. I am thrilled that my husband and I will be having a beautiful baby and starting our family. However, I don't think I've ever been so torn about anything in my entire life. The idea of him missing my entire pregnancy, the birth, and probably the first couple of months of the baby's life makes me want to SCREAM and throw things. But at the same time, I guess if I really sit and think about it, I would rather have him be around for the baby's first year than through the pregnancy. Right now I'm just feeling selfish and scared since this is my first time doing any of this.

I'm terrified that something will happen to him and will worry about him and about the baby every single day.

Circumstances being what they are now, him and I have decided that it would be best for me to go home while he's gone. That way I can be with friends and family during the pregnancy and so I won't be alone at the birth. I'm trying so hard to keep myself from being stressed out, but the idea of saying goodbye again to him so soon and knowing what's coming up makes me want to cry. I don't even know if I'll be able to really even hear from him while he's gone.

And I'm trying so hard to keep him from feeling any kind of guilt or any kind of hurt, but I know he feels terrible for leaving. Hopefully we'll be able to get on the Red Cross list and there's a teeny chance he might make it home for the birth. But I'm not holding my breath.

So now we have to work on packing up our house, getting him ready, getting our paperwork done, and getting me home. And I don't want to go, I like it here. But I have no friends and I'll go crazy here by myself scared and pregnant.

I know I have to be strong. For him. For me. And now for the other little life we're suddenly responsible for. I'm already so scared and worried for this baby, I just want him or her to be okay and be ready to meet daddy when he gets home. I can do this. I can. But I can't promise I won't be whiny and angry for part of this.