Another month...

First month down.

Looking back, I can't believe it. I'm just doing what I said I would, going through the motions. My primary objective in doing anything is passing the time. This is my fifth week back at work. It's gone by, that's all. I'm not happy, I'm not sad. I've been running myself ragged trying to keep myself busy so that I can't get sad. It's working for the most part. After all, it's May now.

I had my first doctor appointment a couple of weeks ago. When the doctor did my ultrasound, the baby measured bigger than they thought, so they ended up moving up my due date almost two weeks. The moment I saw our baby, I couldn't hold back my tears anymore. It was so amazing to see, but hurt so bad to have to experience it without my husband. I had another ultrasound 8 days later, and the baby looked like he/she had doubled in size! Joel liked the pictures when I sent them to him, I just wish he was here.

I've finished working on the baby's first bib, and have gone through about 6 books. In a few weeks, once we know the sex of the baby, I'll be able to start on the cammie quilt, another quilt mom and I are making together, I'll finish the second bib and finally be able to start planning the nursery. Of course nothing can be done about the nursery until we get ourselves back down to North Carolina and settled again.

Being pregnant is kind of weird. There are days where I feel like I'm too old or that everyone else who is having babies is way younger than me. Then other days I feel like a kid who's not ready for this. Obviously I'm not a kid, I'm almost 25 for god sake..

Tomorrow I'll be 15 weeks. And I'm not showing. I just feel pudgy. All the other girls who I've seen who are pregnant were definitely showing by now. And I know that I can't compare myself to other people, but I was sort of hoping that I would be showing because that would make it more real to me. Of course, as soon as I get big, I'll take it back and wish I was normal again. I mean, I wasn't all that big to begin with, so I thought I would pop out pretty quick. It just makes me worried that maybe the baby isn't growing enough.

My anxiety is getting out of hand again, and I have no idea what to do about it anymore. I don't want to talk to anybody, because I can't control my emotions if I do. I've still got my mask very carefully in place and I can't afford to lose this little bit of control that I have. Last year, I would have smoked a cigarette and just moved on, but obviously I can't do that now - and I can't seem to move on. I'm so worried about so many different things, and there's nothing that I can do about any of it. I feel like I'm standing in the middle of a black hole and there's no one to pull me out. I know I'm not technically alone, but in some respects, I really am.

It's been nice getting e-mails from Joel pretty often - unfortunately that is stopping already. I got a call from him this morning and he told me he basically won't be able to e-mail me anymore because of restrictions. So there goes that small bit of comfort out the window. But luckily before that happened, we were able to agree on a boy name, and a girl name. I'm happy about that.

I hope this feeling goes away soon. I want so badly to be happy and excited, but time seems to be standing still...