This is bad...

Bad. Bad. Bad.

Something with me has been off for a little bit and I can't quite figure out what it is.

On the happiest note, Joel and I did get married on 2.7.2011 <3 and I still have moments where I can't believe it actually happened and that this is where I am now. He makes me so unbelievably happy, it amazes me.

But lately there's been something wrong with me. I'm not miserable, but I feel like I don't deserve to be here and be happy and that since I don't have the right to be, I'm not.

I quit my job and am looking for a new one. I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I have nothing to offer him and that I'm doing nothing for him. And now I'm not even contributing monetarily. But on the flip side I spend all of my time doing whatever I can to make him happy because when he is, I am.

I get so intimidated when I'm around anyone else right now. There was a spouses meeting the other night, and I chickened out at the last minute. I spent the whole drive there telling myself that none of those women are any better than I am and that I have just as much a right to be there as any of them. But in the end, my anxiety got the better of me and I just went home. I want to make new friends, but it's so hard for me. I know my mom is worried about how much time I spend with just Joel.

I've been spending alot of time being anxious and upset and I can't figure out why. I know Joel notices, and I know it makes him worry, but I don't know what I can do about it.

Just every day lately I'm feeling fat and ugly and completely useless.

He tries so hard to spend time with me so that I'm happy because he says when I'm happy, he is. Funny how that works.

I'm sort of homesick. And bored. And I'm trying so hard to think of fun things that him and I can do when he's off work, but there's not much to do around here.

I just wish I could figure out what I can do to make these hopeless feelings go away. Because in the end, he picked me because he loves me. That's really the only thing that's kept me from completely losing my mind.

I still just sometimes feel like I'm missing out on life, no matter what I do. I know I haven't lived. He knows I haven't lived. And since I'm too afraid to actually do something, I end up spending all of my time watching everyone else live and being jealous that I can't do things like that. I feel so stupid, even typing it out makes me cry.

I'll fix this someday. I have to.