Bad. Bad. Bad.
Something with me has been off for a little bit and I can't quite figure out what it is.
On the happiest note, Joel and I did get married on 2.7.2011 <3 and I still have moments where I can't believe it actually happened and that this is where I am now. He makes me so unbelievably happy, it amazes me.
But lately there's been something wrong with me. I'm not miserable, but I feel like I don't deserve to be here and be happy and that since I don't have the right to be, I'm not.
I quit my job and am looking for a new one. I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I have nothing to offer him and that I'm doing nothing for him. And now I'm not even contributing monetarily. But on the flip side I spend all of my time doing whatever I can to make him happy because when he is, I am.
I get so intimidated when I'm around anyone else right now. There was a spouses meeting the other night, and I chickened out at the last minute. I spent the whole drive there telling myself that none of those women are any better than I am and that I have just as much a right to be there as any of them. But in the end, my anxiety got the better of me and I just went home. I want to make new friends, but it's so hard for me. I know my mom is worried about how much time I spend with just Joel.
I've been spending alot of time being anxious and upset and I can't figure out why. I know Joel notices, and I know it makes him worry, but I don't know what I can do about it.
Just every day lately I'm feeling fat and ugly and completely useless.
He tries so hard to spend time with me so that I'm happy because he says when I'm happy, he is. Funny how that works.
I'm sort of homesick. And bored. And I'm trying so hard to think of fun things that him and I can do when he's off work, but there's not much to do around here.
I just wish I could figure out what I can do to make these hopeless feelings go away. Because in the end, he picked me because he loves me. That's really the only thing that's kept me from completely losing my mind.
I still just sometimes feel like I'm missing out on life, no matter what I do. I know I haven't lived. He knows I haven't lived. And since I'm too afraid to actually do something, I end up spending all of my time watching everyone else live and being jealous that I can't do things like that. I feel so stupid, even typing it out makes me cry.
I'll fix this someday. I have to.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Friday, February 4, 2011
See? Took too long again...
Wow. So it's been 3 months.
SO much has changed in that small amount of time, I can't even believe it. So I'll use that as a partial excuse for not writing.
Shortly after I started this blog, I got to go down to Cherry Point for the Marine Corps Birthday ball with Joel. It was an amazing night, and completely typical of my relationship with him :). We got there and he wanted nothing but to leave, so after we ate (and by we, I mean he) we mingled a little bit, and then went back to our room. And instead of being in a crowded ballroom full of people getting drunk and being obnoxious, we danced together to music on my ipod in our little room. After that, we drove back to Ohio together and he was on leave with me for almost 2 weeks.
During that 2 week leave, we decided that this was it. I loved him, and he loved me, and he wanted me down in NC with him so that we could see where this is really going.
After a VERY emotional December that was very hard on me and several of my relationships - I started the new year with plans coming into place. By January 1, 2011, we had found a house in New Bern, NC that we wanted to rent and would let me have my puppy in there with us, we had a tentative plan for how to get me down there, and I had a very promising job prospect that I was waiting to hear on.
On 1/4/11, I had my last day at my job in Ohio. I miss them all fiercely, but again - would literally do anything for Joel. Including uprooting my entire life and taking the enormous leap of faith that I did. I was unemployed for exactly 6 hours before I got the job offer for CarolinaEast Hospital in New Bern. It was one more thing that made me know that I was making the right decision. Joel was halfway to Ohio to come and get me when I told him the news.
During his trip to pack me up, we had several setbacks and weird things that happened. But him and my mom were amazing at keeping me calm and optimistic.
I said goodbye to my home and my family on 1/9/11. Joel and I drove all night, me with the dog and him pulling the Uhaul so that we could make it to our new home around 8 AM on Monday. We met the realtor at our house to pick up the keys and pay the rest of the deposit, etc. I got out of my car and Joel came and took my hand and said "Come on, I can't wait to show you OUR new home", as if I needed another perfect moment to tell me that I was doing the right thing. And he was right, this house is now our home. Getting into it was a nightmare. I was sleep deprived and emotional when they all finally figured out that our lights weren't working because the wiring had been stolen from under the house. I'm not going to act like I handled it like a completely mature and responsible adult, but he tried so hard to keep me sane and happy, and has been amazing this whole time.
On 1/17/11, I started my new job as a Physician's Scribe in the Emergency Department at the hospital here in New Bern. I was terrified. I've gotten alot better since then, this week and next week is the first live training that we're actually doing in the ED, but the more I do it, the more I think that this job is something that I can actually do.
But the most amazing thing. The thing I've dreamt about for so long, but never dared to hope for. Joel asked me to marry him on 1/22/11. Unplanned and completely spontaneous, I couldn't have asked for a more perfect moment than when the words came out of his mouth and I said 'yes'.
We've for sure had our ups and downs since we moved in together. But when it comes right down to it, I love him to the moon and back and I would do anything for him. And I'm finally starting to realize that it's entirely possible that he loves me just as much as I do him. That's an incredible thing to come to terms with.
So with all of that going on, that's why I haven't really written much lately. But I want to try to write more. I should have plenty of stories.
I am thrilled beyond words about this new life we're starting together. And I can't wait until Monday February 7, 2011. That is the day that I will marry my hero and my best friend. I will be Mrs. Howard and I will stand beside him as a proud USMC wife.
Semper Fi!
SO much has changed in that small amount of time, I can't even believe it. So I'll use that as a partial excuse for not writing.
Shortly after I started this blog, I got to go down to Cherry Point for the Marine Corps Birthday ball with Joel. It was an amazing night, and completely typical of my relationship with him :). We got there and he wanted nothing but to leave, so after we ate (and by we, I mean he) we mingled a little bit, and then went back to our room. And instead of being in a crowded ballroom full of people getting drunk and being obnoxious, we danced together to music on my ipod in our little room. After that, we drove back to Ohio together and he was on leave with me for almost 2 weeks.
During that 2 week leave, we decided that this was it. I loved him, and he loved me, and he wanted me down in NC with him so that we could see where this is really going.
After a VERY emotional December that was very hard on me and several of my relationships - I started the new year with plans coming into place. By January 1, 2011, we had found a house in New Bern, NC that we wanted to rent and would let me have my puppy in there with us, we had a tentative plan for how to get me down there, and I had a very promising job prospect that I was waiting to hear on.
On 1/4/11, I had my last day at my job in Ohio. I miss them all fiercely, but again - would literally do anything for Joel. Including uprooting my entire life and taking the enormous leap of faith that I did. I was unemployed for exactly 6 hours before I got the job offer for CarolinaEast Hospital in New Bern. It was one more thing that made me know that I was making the right decision. Joel was halfway to Ohio to come and get me when I told him the news.
During his trip to pack me up, we had several setbacks and weird things that happened. But him and my mom were amazing at keeping me calm and optimistic.
I said goodbye to my home and my family on 1/9/11. Joel and I drove all night, me with the dog and him pulling the Uhaul so that we could make it to our new home around 8 AM on Monday. We met the realtor at our house to pick up the keys and pay the rest of the deposit, etc. I got out of my car and Joel came and took my hand and said "Come on, I can't wait to show you OUR new home", as if I needed another perfect moment to tell me that I was doing the right thing. And he was right, this house is now our home. Getting into it was a nightmare. I was sleep deprived and emotional when they all finally figured out that our lights weren't working because the wiring had been stolen from under the house. I'm not going to act like I handled it like a completely mature and responsible adult, but he tried so hard to keep me sane and happy, and has been amazing this whole time.
On 1/17/11, I started my new job as a Physician's Scribe in the Emergency Department at the hospital here in New Bern. I was terrified. I've gotten alot better since then, this week and next week is the first live training that we're actually doing in the ED, but the more I do it, the more I think that this job is something that I can actually do.
But the most amazing thing. The thing I've dreamt about for so long, but never dared to hope for. Joel asked me to marry him on 1/22/11. Unplanned and completely spontaneous, I couldn't have asked for a more perfect moment than when the words came out of his mouth and I said 'yes'.
We've for sure had our ups and downs since we moved in together. But when it comes right down to it, I love him to the moon and back and I would do anything for him. And I'm finally starting to realize that it's entirely possible that he loves me just as much as I do him. That's an incredible thing to come to terms with.
So with all of that going on, that's why I haven't really written much lately. But I want to try to write more. I should have plenty of stories.
I am thrilled beyond words about this new life we're starting together. And I can't wait until Monday February 7, 2011. That is the day that I will marry my hero and my best friend. I will be Mrs. Howard and I will stand beside him as a proud USMC wife.
Semper Fi!
Friday, November 5, 2010
Well, considering the startling number of times I have begun and subsequently epically failed at maintaining a blog, the natural thing for me to do is start another one. Hopefully I do a little better this time.
Nothing to rant and rave about today, thank God. It was actually a pretty good day. Got several amazing pending pieces of news from Joel and I couldn't be any more proud of him.
Sometimes I sit back and think about what my life was like before I met him and therefore before I joined the amazing ranks of the silent sisterhood. I was miserable and cynical and losing faith in just about everything. Don't be mistaken, I'm still cynical, but now it mostly just tends to be for comedic purposes... Oh, and as a defense mechanism.
This life is hard. Sometimes it kills me to see my friends happily living their everyday lives with their boyfriend or girlfriend. Seeing each other regularly, going on dates, hugs and kisses here and there -- and I love my friends dearly, but some days it makes me want to scream and stomp my feet because I miss him so badly. But I don't begrudge him at all. I could never resent his decision to join or stay in the Marines even though it means we don't get to see each other as often as we'd like. He is doing something that is bigger than me, bigger than us, and I'm proud to stand beside him and support him as he protects our country.
I could talk myself in circles all day long about this. The bottom line is that I love him. I will support him until the day he decides he doesn't want me to anymore. And someday we will be together. It won't be easy, but nothing worth having ever is.
Nothing to rant and rave about today, thank God. It was actually a pretty good day. Got several amazing pending pieces of news from Joel and I couldn't be any more proud of him.
Sometimes I sit back and think about what my life was like before I met him and therefore before I joined the amazing ranks of the silent sisterhood. I was miserable and cynical and losing faith in just about everything. Don't be mistaken, I'm still cynical, but now it mostly just tends to be for comedic purposes... Oh, and as a defense mechanism.
This life is hard. Sometimes it kills me to see my friends happily living their everyday lives with their boyfriend or girlfriend. Seeing each other regularly, going on dates, hugs and kisses here and there -- and I love my friends dearly, but some days it makes me want to scream and stomp my feet because I miss him so badly. But I don't begrudge him at all. I could never resent his decision to join or stay in the Marines even though it means we don't get to see each other as often as we'd like. He is doing something that is bigger than me, bigger than us, and I'm proud to stand beside him and support him as he protects our country.
I could talk myself in circles all day long about this. The bottom line is that I love him. I will support him until the day he decides he doesn't want me to anymore. And someday we will be together. It won't be easy, but nothing worth having ever is.
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