Same old

Right now I'm spending any moments where I have the energy getting the house packed up. Joel was able to get off work on time (they said early, but he was supposed to get out at 1500 anyways, so it doesn't count) on Tuesday, so we were able to get our storage unit lined up and get everything squared away with the bank account. We have the moving truck scheduled for this Saturday, and one of the other guys in his squadron has a unit at the same place, so we're just going to have the truck all day and then he'll help us and we'll help him. And when I say "we" will, I mean Joel... because I'm not supposed to be lifting.

As far as next week, we have two possibilities up in the air right now. We're pretty sure that he's getting leave. So he can either drive up to Ohio with me and spend a couple of days and fly back down here, or I'll just stay here until I absolutely have to leave. Right now we're leaning toward just staying here. That way he can actually relax a little bit before he has to go. And we're talking about maybe having a photo session with a photographer to get some pictures before he goes. The only thing I think he's worried about is me driving home by myself. But I've done it before, and being pregnant doesn't make me disabled. It just makes me feel ill alot.

I'm just trying to figure out where we're going to sleep if all the furniture is going in storage this weekend. But we'll either get an air mattress, or just keep the bed set up and put that in later.

Decisions, decisions... SO much to do!

I want to go for my first prenatal visit, but I have a feeling it will be a little bit yet before I can. Since I'm going home and will be there for more than 30 days, Tricare suggests that I get a new PCM to be in charge of me while I'm there. So I'll have to change my info when I get home, find a new PCM (hopefully they'll let me have my old one that's real close by), then go see her and get a referral to a specialist - THEN I should be able to schedule a prenatal visit.

I don't want to fail at this, and I'm terrified that something will happen. All I want to do is grow him a healthy, beautiful baby for him to come home to. He's so happy and excited about it, I'm not sure I could bear it if something happened.

... All I can do is my best...

Sigh

Well one of the lovely beginning parts of early pregnancy is fatigue. Got that covered big time. We have so much stuff to do, but I am absolutely exhausted. So I take advantage of any small bursts of energy I happen to come across.

I understand that the Marine Corps has to change plans and make adjustments alot, but sometimes I wish they would just not tell him anything so that I can plan knowing nothing instead of them telling him something different every day. First he wasn't going to get leave, then he was going to get a few days, now it's on hold again. He was planning on driving home with me so that he could leave his truck, but if he doesn't go, I'm hoping that he can find someone here who can keep an eye on it. I mean, I know I'm amazing, but I can't drive two vehicles at once. I'm not that good. Although it would be nice to have the truck up there with me if I ever needed it or just missed him real bad and wanted to drive it.

It's also not helping that ever since we found out about this surprise early deployment date, he has been working nonstop. He's doing 12 hours on and 12 off right now, so he has time to come home, eat dinner - and then he has to go to sleep. So not only do we not really have time to get anything done, but I would really like to get a little time with him before I have to let him go again.

My good news today was that since my taxes got rejected last year due to issues from my first marriage, I was supposed to owe an additional $500 in taxes every year for the next 15. But I got all of my paperwork put through, and now I don't have to pay it! Finally, some good news, and a load off of my mind.

My mom and my best friend are excited that I'm coming home, and I'm having fun talking about baby stuff with them. Joel and I have already picked out a name if we have a little boy, but I'm not telling yet. :)

I started prenatal vitamins this week and am trying to make good decisions about eating and stuff. I'm very worried about miscarrying and I hear people talk about it happening alot and it scares me.

Oh well. As always, one day at a time.

Oh, so THAT'S why...

I believe last week I was whining about feeling useless and ugly and blah blah blah.

Well this past weekend, my husband and I attempted to out-news each other. I won.

He came home on Friday after being on the range and told me his deployment date has been moved up from late July to early April because of all of this ridiculous business in Libya apparently. Not only that, it has been extended from 6 months to 10. Not a big fan of that news. Especially since mine came shortly after on Saturday morning.

We're having a baby!!!

Now let's get one thing straight here. I am thrilled that my husband and I will be having a beautiful baby and starting our family. However, I don't think I've ever been so torn about anything in my entire life. The idea of him missing my entire pregnancy, the birth, and probably the first couple of months of the baby's life makes me want to SCREAM and throw things. But at the same time, I guess if I really sit and think about it, I would rather have him be around for the baby's first year than through the pregnancy. Right now I'm just feeling selfish and scared since this is my first time doing any of this.

I'm terrified that something will happen to him and will worry about him and about the baby every single day.

Circumstances being what they are now, him and I have decided that it would be best for me to go home while he's gone. That way I can be with friends and family during the pregnancy and so I won't be alone at the birth. I'm trying so hard to keep myself from being stressed out, but the idea of saying goodbye again to him so soon and knowing what's coming up makes me want to cry. I don't even know if I'll be able to really even hear from him while he's gone.

And I'm trying so hard to keep him from feeling any kind of guilt or any kind of hurt, but I know he feels terrible for leaving. Hopefully we'll be able to get on the Red Cross list and there's a teeny chance he might make it home for the birth. But I'm not holding my breath.

So now we have to work on packing up our house, getting him ready, getting our paperwork done, and getting me home. And I don't want to go, I like it here. But I have no friends and I'll go crazy here by myself scared and pregnant.

I know I have to be strong. For him. For me. And now for the other little life we're suddenly responsible for. I'm already so scared and worried for this baby, I just want him or her to be okay and be ready to meet daddy when he gets home. I can do this. I can. But I can't promise I won't be whiny and angry for part of this.

Over it...

I am SO over my attitude lately, but I just can't seem to pull myself out of this horrible slump that I'm in. And I can't seem to catch a break.

I went to get my taxes done today and found out not only do I NOT get money back this year, I owe, AND I had to pay them $150 to tell me that!!! Last year I had someone else do it, and I think it cost me like fifty bucks, and I got almost $900 back. I cannot catch a break. I'm not working, I'm trying to hold on to every penny I have and am failing miserably. I'm scrambling around, applying to every place I can think of so that I can get a paycheck again, and have heard back from NO ONE.

I've had a headache/stomachache for 5 days now. And no amount of aspirin is helping. So I'm tired, I'm cranky, I'm in pain, and I'm emotional. Fuck my husband's life. I have to be absolutely unbearable to be around right now. I know I am, and I can't do anything about it. I'm trying to relax, but at the same time I'm so worried about everything I can't.

My husband is at the range this whole week, before he leaves to go on workups again. I don't know what I'm going to do when he's gone. Not just for the workups, but on his deployment. I'm not doing as well down here as we both hoped that I would. I've still got some time to settle in and make friends and stuff. But I'm just not feeling very optimistic about it right now.

I don't know what to do. I'm just completely over myself and all of these issues I'm having. I just want to be happy and to make my husband happy and I don't know how to do either.

I'm so lost...

This is bad...

Bad. Bad. Bad.

Something with me has been off for a little bit and I can't quite figure out what it is.

On the happiest note, Joel and I did get married on 2.7.2011 <3 and I still have moments where I can't believe it actually happened and that this is where I am now. He makes me so unbelievably happy, it amazes me.

But lately there's been something wrong with me. I'm not miserable, but I feel like I don't deserve to be here and be happy and that since I don't have the right to be, I'm not.

I quit my job and am looking for a new one. I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I have nothing to offer him and that I'm doing nothing for him. And now I'm not even contributing monetarily. But on the flip side I spend all of my time doing whatever I can to make him happy because when he is, I am.

I get so intimidated when I'm around anyone else right now. There was a spouses meeting the other night, and I chickened out at the last minute. I spent the whole drive there telling myself that none of those women are any better than I am and that I have just as much a right to be there as any of them. But in the end, my anxiety got the better of me and I just went home. I want to make new friends, but it's so hard for me. I know my mom is worried about how much time I spend with just Joel.

I've been spending alot of time being anxious and upset and I can't figure out why. I know Joel notices, and I know it makes him worry, but I don't know what I can do about it.

Just every day lately I'm feeling fat and ugly and completely useless.

He tries so hard to spend time with me so that I'm happy because he says when I'm happy, he is. Funny how that works.

I'm sort of homesick. And bored. And I'm trying so hard to think of fun things that him and I can do when he's off work, but there's not much to do around here.

I just wish I could figure out what I can do to make these hopeless feelings go away. Because in the end, he picked me because he loves me. That's really the only thing that's kept me from completely losing my mind.

I still just sometimes feel like I'm missing out on life, no matter what I do. I know I haven't lived. He knows I haven't lived. And since I'm too afraid to actually do something, I end up spending all of my time watching everyone else live and being jealous that I can't do things like that. I feel so stupid, even typing it out makes me cry.

I'll fix this someday. I have to.

See? Took too long again...

Wow. So it's been 3 months.

SO much has changed in that small amount of time, I can't even believe it. So I'll use that as a partial excuse for not writing.

Shortly after I started this blog, I got to go down to Cherry Point for the Marine Corps Birthday ball with Joel. It was an amazing night, and completely typical of my relationship with him :). We got there and he wanted nothing but to leave, so after we ate (and by we, I mean he) we mingled a little bit, and then went back to our room. And instead of being in a crowded ballroom full of people getting drunk and being obnoxious, we danced together to music on my ipod in our little room. After that, we drove back to Ohio together and he was on leave with me for almost 2 weeks.

During that 2 week leave, we decided that this was it. I loved him, and he loved me, and he wanted me down in NC with him so that we could see where this is really going.

After a VERY emotional December that was very hard on me and several of my relationships - I started the new year with plans coming into place. By January 1, 2011, we had found a house in New Bern, NC that we wanted to rent and would let me have my puppy in there with us, we had a tentative plan for how to get me down there, and I had a very promising job prospect that I was waiting to hear on.

On 1/4/11, I had my last day at my job in Ohio. I miss them all fiercely, but again - would literally do anything for Joel. Including uprooting my entire life and taking the enormous leap of faith that I did. I was unemployed for exactly 6 hours before I got the job offer for CarolinaEast Hospital in New Bern. It was one more thing that made me know that I was making the right decision. Joel was halfway to Ohio to come and get me when I told him the news.

During his trip to pack me up, we had several setbacks and weird things that happened. But him and my mom were amazing at keeping me calm and optimistic.

I said goodbye to my home and my family on 1/9/11. Joel and I drove all night, me with the dog and him pulling the Uhaul so that we could make it to our new home around 8 AM on Monday. We met the realtor at our house to pick up the keys and pay the rest of the deposit, etc. I got out of my car and Joel came and took my hand and said "Come on, I can't wait to show you OUR new home", as if I needed another perfect moment to tell me that I was doing the right thing. And he was right, this house is now our home. Getting into it was a nightmare. I was sleep deprived and emotional when they all finally figured out that our lights weren't working because the wiring had been stolen from under the house. I'm not going to act like I handled it like a completely mature and responsible adult, but he tried so hard to keep me sane and happy, and has been amazing this whole time.

On 1/17/11, I started my new job as a Physician's Scribe in the Emergency Department at the hospital here in New Bern. I was terrified. I've gotten alot better since then, this week and next week is the first live training that we're actually doing in the ED, but the more I do it, the more I think that this job is something that I can actually do.

But the most amazing thing. The thing I've dreamt about for so long, but never dared to hope for. Joel asked me to marry him on 1/22/11. Unplanned and completely spontaneous, I couldn't have asked for a more perfect moment than when the words came out of his mouth and I said 'yes'.

We've for sure had our ups and downs since we moved in together. But when it comes right down to it, I love him to the moon and back and I would do anything for him. And I'm finally starting to realize that it's entirely possible that he loves me just as much as I do him. That's an incredible thing to come to terms with.

So with all of that going on, that's why I haven't really written much lately. But I want to try to write more. I should have plenty of stories.

I am thrilled beyond words about this new life we're starting together. And I can't wait until Monday February 7, 2011. That is the day that I will marry my hero and my best friend. I will be Mrs. Howard and I will stand beside him as a proud USMC wife.

Semper Fi!

Well, considering the startling number of times I have begun and subsequently epically failed at maintaining a blog, the natural thing for me to do is start another one. Hopefully I do a little better this time.

Nothing to rant and rave about today, thank God. It was actually a pretty good day. Got several amazing pending pieces of news from Joel and I couldn't be any more proud of him.

Sometimes I sit back and think about what my life was like before I met him and therefore before I joined the amazing ranks of the silent sisterhood. I was miserable and cynical and losing faith in just about everything. Don't be mistaken, I'm still cynical, but now it mostly just tends to be for comedic purposes... Oh, and as a defense mechanism.

This life is hard. Sometimes it kills me to see my friends happily living their everyday lives with their boyfriend or girlfriend. Seeing each other regularly, going on dates, hugs and kisses here and there -- and I love my friends dearly, but some days it makes me want to scream and stomp my feet because I miss him so badly. But I don't begrudge him at all. I could never resent his decision to join or stay in the Marines even though it means we don't get to see each other as often as we'd like. He is doing something that is bigger than me, bigger than us, and I'm proud to stand beside him and support him as he protects our country.

I could talk myself in circles all day long about this. The bottom line is that I love him. I will support him until the day he decides he doesn't want me to anymore. And someday we will be together. It won't be easy, but nothing worth having ever is.